medical madness

physicians can be patriarchal misogynists. alright. yes, i know there are exceptions...but very few. you can count them on one hand and still have fingers leftover. why is that? where does this arrogant attitude start...in medical school? or is it that they were born that way, and by coincidence, decided to go into the medical profession for the big bucks?

i am so overdone with the god complexes. i am so overdone with scaring women into unnecessary procedures because they will financially profit from it at her expense. i am so overdone with their lies.

i was violated by a doctor. that never goes away. and because he is a doctor, he got away with abusing his "power." something needs to be done about this patriarchal medical practice that we have here in the states. what happened to wellness, and wanting to heal and save lives?

it just angers me every time i hear a story of doctor abuse. so thus my rant here. my doctor-friend laughed when i said "doctors are assholes" to her...she knew exactly what i was talking about. they know what they are. educate yourself, and if it doesn't feel right, move on. there are many of them out there. it may take awhile but you can find one that does truly care about people, and will actually respect you. all i want is a doctor who SEES ME as a person, not as a case. it's medical madness.

trick or treat

so i came across this photo taken when i was like six years old on halloween. when i was a kid, they had those plastic masks with the elastic band that goes around the back of your head. most years i was some form of a white girl. it was either that, or an animal, like a cat or a rabbit, or a cartoon character, like casper the friendly ghost. in this photo, i am heidi, with long yellow yarn braids, and a swiss miss dress and cap. my sidekick is dennis the menance. 

i remember the first year that i didn't wear a mask. i wanted to be a wahine. i wore a little hawaiian print dress, with a plastic lei around my neck, and a plastic flower behind my ear. i even had these outrageous plastic eyelashes...which meant i could not see very well as they were cumbersome, and i stumbled about that night from house to house. the thing that really sucked was that it was cold that year and my mother made me wear a coat so you couldn't see my costume. 

when i got back home with my loot, my adult cousin (who was more of an older brother) would "inspect" my candy. of course, this meant him taking all the candy he liked for himself. he would say things like, "oh, this kind is NOT good," and then he would pocket it. there is something about spreading the contents of that bag of candy all over the living room carpet and going though it. kinda like grabbing the loot that fell from a broken piñata at a birthday party. this kind of acquisition of candy makes it much more valuable than buying it from the drug store. 

when i was in my 20s, i still liked dressing up. okay, call it what it was...cosplay! my favorite character was some form of royalty...anything to wear a tiara. then ballerina. one year i was a baby wearing a giant diaper and bib...even had a giant pacifier and giant diaper pins. as the years went on, it was easier to just put on a little black dress and a witch's hat. i was too busy to make costumes for me since i was busy making costumes for my kids. no plastic faces and crappy hot synthetic outfits for my kids...i was the overachiever mom. so we had peter pan, captain hook, the flinstones, luke skywalker, ghostbusters, ghosts, robin hood, cowboys, pee wee herman, superman, and pinocchio, to name a few...but my very best favorite...roger rabbit. 

i know that there are people who don't let their kids participate in halloween because they are against it for religious reasons. but personally, i think running up and down the street, giggling and laughing your head off while in dress up clothes, and getting all the free candy you can in a single night, is a pretty fun thing for kids to do. one of those things that they will remember when they are older and feeling nostalgic...or had just come across a random photo of a halloween past. to me, it's just like christmas...santa has nothing to do with bebe jesu...it's just about letting your imagination live freely.

2 busy 2 blog

okay. so i have been uber busy lately with midterms, projects, and throwing an event...also known as too busy to blog! happy that the event is over, i was exhausted but before i could catch my breath i then remembered that i was having a house guest! he isn't any trouble at all but still that means planning stuff to do...and then doing it! we did have a couple of lazy moments in between. we're not crazy. it was great having him here though...it is like that when you are with someone you have known since first grade...really great. 

but i had previous plans to go the cinema with like 20 women from a girlfriends meetup group, and i didn't want to leave him alone. contacted the organizer to bail but she said to have him come with. now at first i thought, poor guy...all of these women! clearly, that was my woman brain talking because his man brain responded with, "awesome!" LOL 

anyway, it was a good time, and he had quite the advantage. we went to see "couples retreat" at the alameda theater which i had never been to. one of those gorgeous old theaters that someone was smart enough to save and restore it's architectural integrity. and what was really cool was discovering the little wine shop right next door...you can drink wine and eat cheeses before or after the movie or both! v. cool. we had a pinot noir that melted in your mouth like chocolate...it was warm and yummy, and labeled hitching post. i highly recommend it, now seriously thinking i need to go back and pick up a bottle. or two. cin cin!

despite that wild and crazy rain storm we had on tuesday, there has been sun all week...and today was no exception...a picture perfect october summer day. we rolled over the bridge to marin county and hit the coast...most excellent day for being on the beach. the sand was warm on my feet. the sky clear. the waves stellar. i counted 25 surfers. it was excellent. would have liked to have stayed out there all day but we had another scheduled meet up over in emeryville. meeting up with friends is always a good thing. 

duties of a debutante

i have been pulling myself into multiple directions as of late. and was really looking forward to a bonfire on the beach tonight but the winds changed our plans for us. i am so tired - like dogass find me a spot in the sun to lie in tired - that i can't think, never know what i want to eat, and certainly can't sleep. it is midterms already and i am losing track of time. my plate is full and i just added on another two courses to the meal...yikes! what am i thinking when i continue to take on these projects?

so now i am planning an event...it is a black and white ball. still working on venues, menus, music, decorations, and all the details...but most definitely have this dress in mind. after all, is it not all about the dress? when it comes to formal events that provide me an opportunity to add to my collection of organza, silk, tulle, brocade, and lace floor length costumes, i am as excited as a regency character in a jane austen novel with a dance card. "why of course, mister bingley, you must throw a ball!" because janeites know that dancing is recommended to encourage affection.

g-friends, BFFs, and stalkers, oh my

when i was a young girl, my g-ma said that you should only be able to count your friends on one hand. she had three. the cute thing was they all had names that started with an M. my g-ma outlived two of them, but i remember when marge died. it was like my g-ma had lost her sister. she was devastated. 

i have had some interesting encounters with women over the years who claimed to be my friend, or insinuated themselves into my life because they wanted to be my friend. they did not have a clue to what the word friend means. the thing these women did have in common, was they drove the knife in deep when you least expected. they made it their business to be in my business so that they could talk about me. they were haters. they were stalkers. funny how they did not realize that i knew who and what they were. it's good to know who your enemies are. 

i love my girlfriends. you can't go through life without your girlfriends. when wonderful things happen to you, they are thrilled and excited and will celebrate with you. when you take on a new venture, they support you and pull out the safety net just in case. when you look like hell after three days of labor, they tell you that you are beautiful, bring you flowers, and change your baby's diaper. when you're trying on a dress and the salesgirl tells you it's great on you, they will tell you to put on a girdle cuz your ass is big as a bus in that dress. when that man breaks your heart, they are there for you with tissues, chocolate, wine, and a funny ass movie. and when you need an extra pair of eyes and ears, they will help you mother your children. girlfriends love and accept you just the way you are. 

i have an urban family...my village. these are the friends that are related to you even though not by blood. some knew you back in the day...and others meshed with you more recently.  some that are still there after decades have passed, and you've made a lifetime of memories together. those for real friends that you have reached this level of comfort and connection with that no one else gets. the ones who truly truly truly know and understand you. the ones that never leave no matter what because you are family. blood brothers and sisters without the need to pierce the skin. and yes, i do believe in multiple BFFs because i have them. they are each unique and beautiful and amazing. i love them better than siblings. and yes, i can count them on one hand.

sometimes a girl just wants to wear boardshorts

my search for boardshorts was getting me huhu. i stopped wearing bikinis about four years ago, but the one piece is not comfortable even when they are sized "tall". then finally, someone got smart and started making boardshorts for girls. but tiny girls. ugh. i had no luck finding normal or average sizes even when searching online. none at all.

on my first holiday to hawai'i, i was certain to find boardshorts in a local surf shop so no worries, right? that was what i thought. i was running into the same issue over there...like sizes 0 - 9! GMAFB [if you are a 0, your ass shouldn't be in boardshorts anyway. go get you something to eat and put some normal weight on.] so like don't they get it that the healthy girls don't always want their butts hanging out? well, after hitting up every surf shop on waikiki and over on the north shore, i was pretty frustrated. if roxy can make t-shirts and hoodies in my size...why not boardshorts?

so i started talking to the local girls working in the shops in hale'iva, because let's face it, hawai'ian sisters are healthy girls. i'm like, "sister, what is up with these tiny little sizes in the stores? hawai'ian women are healthy...where do you local girls get your boardshorts? i see the surfer girls have them, so i know someone is selling them."

this is what they all told me...the surf shops are primarily owned by chinese who don't even consider women bigger than them when ordering clothing for their stores. for them the shorts are fashion so they don't consider the sizes of the girls out there who are actually working the waves, right? that's just crazy. the exciting thing was that i did find out where healthy local girls get their board shorts...the aloha bowl swap meet! that place is not to be missed for one thing because everything you could possibly want is there!

so i was huhu no more when i found my shorts! i just love them and bought a few in different colors, too! boardshorts are the best alternative to bikini bottoms. trust me.

something i wrote...

i was contemplating on what i would write about today but i do not have much time. i have a huge assignment to work on, and then i have to get my yoga practice in. so i decided that i would post something that i wrote previously, as i have a lot of these tidbits stashed on my computer or scribbled in a journal. here it goes:

couples day

no, there is no special sales reward if you show up as a couple at our store...it's just that today, there seemed to be a great wave of couples, more so than usual. generally, they are young ones...just starting out, fresh looks on their faces, armed with their lists to select items for their wedding registry. or the ones that have been in it a few years, still trying to figure one another out and what is marriage really about, he's pushing a stroller, or she's ripe as a summer peach and round as a basketball. that's the general population i deal with in my position as a design studio specialist...the girl who gets to sit on sofas with you, gives you fabric samples, questions your lifestyle, and then tells you exactly what you need so you are no longer confused and terrified about buying your first piece of real adult furniture. that's me.

but today was different. today my couples were my age and older. they were seasoned veterans of love, with years of partnering shoulder to shoulder as they faced life's ups and downs. that's who was out shopping today. and they all wanted to talk to me. not the other younger associates. it was if i were a magnetic force they gravitated to. especially since i was not close to the entrance, they certainly had been asked if they needed help by at least 3 - 4 others before happening upon me.

each couple was unique but the same. i saw in each one of them what happens when you share your life with your best friend. and as we spoke, i was both engaged in conversation with them - graciously included in their humorous comments about each others shopping habits, and how they both don't always like the same thing - as well as a spectator to their intimate banter...their own personal language, their secret code. i often witness this and find it fascinating and delightful...yes, to be able to find that secure niche in your relationship with someone who loves you back just for who you are must be a wonderful thing.

the circumstances of this particular couples day all seemed too coincidental. unusually so. is the universe trying to tell me something? perhaps. undoubtedly, after the fifth couple, i began to believe someone had a message for me. is it because i generally question myself on the practically of believing in the idea of finding love and sharing a life with my best friend?

such foolishness; it's late. i should stop thinking and send my brain to slumber.

*12.17.2006*

beauty and the beach

so i actually should be writing an essay but my professors encourage free writes to stimulate your flow...so here i am blogging for inspiration, of all things.

i woke up cold this morning and can't seem to shake the chill. i had breakfast - shredded wheat and banana; and now waiting for the sun to burn off the morning fog so i can go outside and seek a bit of warmth del sol. i am sitting here wishing that i was on the north shore...i hear the honu [that's sea turtles for you mainlanders] calling my name. i belong on the beach. it is my true bliss.

it started when i was a child...those beach days when my parents would fill up the wicker picnic basket and throw it into the car trunk along with blankets, my pails, shovels, and assorted items. those were happy times. here is dad and mom looking ultimately cool on santa monica beach. i took this snap of them when i was about six years old.

as the years passed, i soon began to take the big blue bus out to the santa monica pier on my own. i was a wanderer then...always looking for a place of solitude. on the not so warm days i would seek solace in a dark theater, otherwise, weather permitting, i found my happiness sitting on the warm sand staring out into the sea. the sounds of the ocean lulled me into a peacefulness...my escape from the disturbances at home. i lived in a fantasy world those days on the beach...imagining myself in the middle of a beach party or gidget movie...where everyone sang, danced, and surfed their way to a happy ending.

when i got the keys to my first ride - a `69 mustang [i AM a california girl!] - there was not a beach that i had not combed between san pedro to ventura. i found hidden coves and nude beaches. i found the locations for those gidget and beach party movies that i grew up on. i even found my first love playing in the sand in playa del rey. yes, just like in the movies, this gidget found her moondoggie on the beach! i would spend entire days on the beach until the sun was lost beyond the sea's horizon. the beach was the backdrop to all of the adventures of my youth. this beach bunny eventually became part of a cluster of teens who thought life was about nothing but hanging out on the beach. no matter where our group started out that day, somehow all roads led us to the ocean.

the ocean is powerful...i both love and fear it's amazing strength. when my feet are immersed into the wet sand, and the water envelopes my legs, i feel like i am sinking, connecting to the earth. i am in a state of bliss.

in the more recent years, i have discovered other beaches beyond the familiarity of my southern california coast....more tropical...balmy breezes, warmer waters, different sand composition. it started when a friend had asked me to accompany her on a dive trip in the bahamas...my first experience with a turquoise sea and white sand. the water was crystal clear...it blew me away. i spent 7 out of 8 days just lying out, absorbing the beach, and one day with my friend on the dive boat. it was beach therapy, and my first actual holiday in adult life.

as beautiful as the caribbean is, it is hawai'i that i truly fell in love with. it is my true love...and it is not just the beauty of the islands...the lush greenness of the mountains, the red earth of the country, the bluest of skies, the clearest of water, the trade winds in my hair, the sun bronzing my skin, or the food that takes me to heaven...it is the people who inhabit it. it is their aloha spirit. the connection was so incredibly intense when i was at kukaniloko. i couldn't describe it but i knew i had been there on that very spot in another life while babies were being born. i felt a sense of ohana; i belonged there, so easily connected with the people of the islands. it was my home.

when i was a little girl, i used to dream that i was living on an island in the pacific, in a beach hut on stilts over a dolphin filled lagoon...and maybe i did in a previous life because it is here in the pacific that my spirit felt the sense of belonging. i can't explain it to you any other way than that. the first time that i was on o'ahu, i knew that i had been there before. when i returned, i realized that my spirit was connected to this place. i am a pacific island girl...i need to explore this further...perhaps tahiti...moorea...fiji...

so now you get why i am happiest when playing on the beach. i would be completely content if i spent the rest of my days wearing board shorts and slippahs. of course, i could wrap a pareo around me for those special occasions. aloha.

dude, i totally forgot

dude, i so totally forgot to say it was my uncle's birthday today...may he RIP and his music live on forever!

happy birthday, uncle jelly roll!

got a blog...now what.

so like everyone is blogging these days. might as well blog with all of the writing that i do. but does anyone really care about what i think? and if they don't care, will i? most unlikely. i do have a collection of journals from over the years so i clearly have a lot on my mind. but no one gets to read those...when i die, maybe someone will publish them as my memoirs but names should be changed to save embarrassment for the living. they are filled with great stories.

my speech/rhetoric professor once said that i was a great storyteller. you decide. i did once have a blog somewhere in cyberspace when i was a rail-rider on BART - some folks found that entertaining. but i am not commuting so there goes that cast of characters to write about. guess it will just have to be my perceptions and experiences in regards to life. i will even occasionally throw in some wisdom from lessons learned and not learned. are you up for it?